Booty Call
by Rayne McKenna
Summary: The very technology that Derek curses, might just turn out to be his saving grace.
1. Chapter 1

Sorry. This came to me in another drunken haze. I had five drinks with the ladies a bit ago and felt the need to relax and write. I can only do that late at night when I'm all alone which isn't often. Someone once told me "Write what you know." And something like this happened recently. Sooooo…I applied it in a pleasant way, unlike the actual experience. Hell, I'm just shocked I can still type and coherent enough to post…lol. Thank God for spell-check.

….

Spencer was so immersed in the file he was working on, he nearly jumped out of his skin when his workstation land line rang. It never rang. After staring at it as if it were an alien life form, shrieking at him in some foreign tongue for several long moments, he remembered himself and plucked up the receiver.

"Reid."

"Don't say my name."

"Garcia?"

"I said don't say it!" She squealed in his ear

"Oh. Sorry."

"Some genius! Did he hear you?"

"Who?"

"The most perfect male specimen to ever grace the planet Earth, who else?"

Spencer glanced in Morgan's direction.

"No. He's lecturing Prentiss."

"Lec- wait, isn't it your job to lecture us?"

"I do not lecture. I simply inform."

"Teach is a synonym for inform and lecture a synonym for teach so really it's just-"

"Did you need something?"

"Oh. Right. I just wanted to share something with you."

"What?"

"Something about our mutual co-worker, choco-licious, male, hunk-o-burn-"

"Garcia!"

"I said don't say my name! I don't want him to know it's me."

"Then if you have a point I suggest you get to it."

"Fine! You're lucky you're cute, because even if you don't deserve it now, I'm going to risk life and limb for entertainment here my darling little brain dumpling."

"Was there an answer to my question in there somewhere? I couldn't tell with all of the disturbing visuals. And why are you calling me on my-"

"Shush! Just trust me boy wonder. This is gonna be good!"

"Wh-"

"Just go stand near him and I'll show you."

"Show me what? Gar-"

"SHHH!"

"I don't have time for-"

"Reid, do you remember that hideous shirt you had on in your senior year book photo? Or your dated 70"s mop top for that matter? By the way, were you a Buddy Holly fan?"

"How…why would you…ah…okay…getting up now."

"Good boy. Just leave the handset off the hook and casually move next to him and wait."

"Wait for what? You're really starting to freak me out."

"SHHH! Just go!"

Spencer set down the phone as instructed, and made his way casually toward Morgan and Prentiss despite the growing anxiety caused by being blackmailed into following the orders of one Penelope Garcia. This was definitely not in his job description. He'd thought hunting killers had been hazardous, but working with the sparkly, blonde (this week) fiend was proving to be one hell of a…his thoughts were interrupted when he heard the music. No sooner did he realize its origin was Morgan's pants than he saw the confused look on Emily's face and the wide-eyed panic on Morgan's as he thrust his hand into his too-tight pocket to stop the sound. After much struggle, a phone popped out and…

"One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain.  
One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue…." The phone sang, as Morgan fumbled and dropped it.

"Is that a-a ringtone?" Spencer asked trying to hide his amusement at the uncharacteristic tune emanating from the device.

Prentiss wasn't as polite, having laughed so hard tears rolled down her cheeks even as Derek jumped and spun toward the newcomer beside him.

"I, uh, I just….." He stammered scanning the younger man. Then… "PENELOPE!"

"Your body is a wonderland…Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face..." The phone continued as the two laughed openly at Morgan's plight.

"You gonna get that?" Spencer snickered even as Derek bent and snatched up the object in question, storming toward Garcia's office in a huff.

"What was that?" Prentiss managed to get out between gasps for air.

"A botty call, apparently." Reid scoffed.

"Did you just say 'booty call'?" Prentiss asked wide-eyed with a visible shiver.

"Yes. Are you cold?"

"Yeah, I think Hell just froze over."

….

A short time later, after a very miffed Derek took off toward the elevators, Spencer made his way to Garcia's lair and knocked to verify her status as one of the living.

"If you came back to sulk some more I've already told you-"

"It's just me."

"Reid, I hope you appreciated it because that was one angry puppy."

"I didn't even know he used those things." Spencer chuckled.

"Mmm…it was a shock to me too." She said sipping her Big Gulp. "He keeps it on vibrate at work."

"So what did he do?

"Mostly yelled and pouted-"

"No, I mean what did you blackmail Morgan with for him to set that God-awful ringtone for you?"

"God-awful? I'll have you know that was John Mayer's 'Your Body is a Wonderland'! It's a beautiful song and it just so happens-"

"It's a shameless, flagrant invitation for a night of sexual gratification and a poorly veiled tactic of achieving said goal under the pretense of complimentary appraisal of ones physical attributes delivered by a soothing voice and lulling tone to distract from the singers obvious, insatiable appetite for the woman of the hour, thereby luring in affection starved, romantics desperate to feel desired and I honestly can't believe that you would…"

Garcia just grinned at him and took his hands, slipping something into them.

"What's this?"

"Your phone."

"You took my phone? That's theft! That's fraudulent! Not to mention a complete invasion of privacy and total lack of…wait...you had…so you called from…then that was my…"

"Would you like to hear the entire song now?" Garcia giggled at Reid's sudden flustered state in the wake of dawning realization.

Spencer just stood there looking like he might spontaneously combust as a barely audible squeak escaped his throat.

"Is that a no?" She quipped with a tilt of her head.

Spencer turned and fled from the room.

"Go get him tiger!" She called after him, leaning back in her chair, another job well done.

Sometimes even geniuses were a little slow on the uptake.

….

Okay, so, I might regret posting this later, but, my senses are all wonky and at the moment I just don't care. That's why I'm about to do a stupid thing and let you tell me if you want to know what happens next. I must admit that it would contain Reid's analysis of the afore mentioned song…but it could work as a one-shot too. WHEEEEEE! I like fuzziness. I wish I had someone to hug. Oh look, a tree….


	2. Chapter 2

**So sorry this has taken so long! I got the plague the morning after I wrote chapter one. It was like cold meets flu meets bronchitis! They had an orgy in my body and created the super strand! Anyway, after that I got super busy trying to start the new biz with my buddy. Things finally settled down again and here I sit once more with my beer and the writing bug has presented itself. He's doing his little dance and saying "Ya like what you see?" I'm all like "Oh yeah! Work it baby!" So this is chapter two…working up to the reason it needs a new rating! Thank you to all of you who prompted me to continue! Please bear with me! Next one's got the goods!**

DEREK'S POV OF CH 1: Poor Derek…

Derek heard the muffled tune and it took what he thought was an eternity to locate the file in his brain that was necessary to supply him with the information he needed to identify the familiar sound. In actuality, the realization was nearly instantaneous. He could feel his eyes close to popping out of his skull as he fumbled for the tiny traitor tucked away in his pocket. He was sure he'd set it to vibrate! He thought Spencer was right behind him at his desk, why would he be calling him! OH GOD! COME. OUT. OF. MY. POCKET. SO. I. CAN. SHUT. YOU. UP!

He tried desperately to ignore the laughing Emily before him as the phone slipped from its denim prison, but as he threw a small glare at her, he almost swore in frustration as it slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor.

"Is that a-a ringtone?"

He heard the familiar voice slightly behind him to his left and whipped his head around to see the one person he really wished weren't in the vicinity.

"I, uh, I just…" Derek stammered, as he scanned his young friend quickly in confusion before seeing…no phone?

The answer and source to his current gut-twisting situation escaped his lips before true understanding actually processed.

"PENELOPE!" He screamed in exasperation.

"You gonna get that?" Spencer questioned, clearly amused.

Even as Derek snatched the phone up from the floor, he was trying to work his feet out of a frantic need to gain distance from the beautiful genius and the pure rage fueling his need to tear the head off of one meddling tech analyst. It had to be her. If Spencer was aware, fully aware of what was going on, he would surely either look hurt or angry or humiliated and not entertained, laughing.

As he threw the door to her lair open, she spun and put her hands up defensively.

"Now, Derek, honey bunny, this was for your own good."

Derek shut the door with all of the calmness he could muster, which wasn't much.

"Selling me out in front of my co-workers, risking my four year and seven month friendship with Reid, and running the risk of my very career with the BAU, everything I've worked for…that's for my own good? How? What were you thinking? How could you betray that confidence!"

"Sweetie, Reid doesn't know I have his phone. He doesn't know anything…yet. I was simply giving you an opening. As far as your career, no one on this team would make a fuss if they found out. I'm confident that you two are professional enough to keep things under wraps. Besides, Rossi is the reason the fraternization rules even exist and Hotch would do everything and anything to keep this team together. Nobody else would care. And anyway, we ladies have already discussed you two."

"Woman! You don't know that! How could you possibly pro… wait, w-what? You girls have…what?"

"It's rather obvious Derek. The way you are together. I'm sure nobody would be a bit surprised if you two came out. If we see it, the rest of the team has surely noticed by now."

"Noticed what? Nothing has happened! We haven't done anything! What the hell do you mean obvious? Reid has no idea! Would never hazard to guess! You know how oblivious he is when it comes to flirting! And he's into women! JJ, Lila, Austin…he would freak! Get his phone back to him now! Discretely!"

"Oh, my dearest chocolate drop, I feel almost saddened at the thought of having to point the obvious out to a profiler. JJ told me that nothing happened with Reid. She actually flirted with him and he acted as if she were his big sister. She said he talked about you on their "date" more than anything! 'Didn't Derek play? Do you know what his favorite team is? How hard it must have been after he was injured'…blah, blah, blah…and did he ever keep up with Lila? Or Austin for that matter? No. He made horrible excuses. Did you know that Austin actually talked about moving here to start over? She tried to hint at wishing she had a good reason and he shot her down! When I asked about it, he told me they were too different and he was never home long enough to start anything between work and lecturing."

"Really? He told me she was beautiful and smart and…"

"Honey buns, he was full of it. He ran from that so quick the poor girl probably still cries at night."

"That doesn't mean anything Garcia. Not a damn thing. Maybe he's just afraid of intimacy, maybe commitment. Doesn't mean he's into guys."

"Okay, then how about this? The touching."

"Touching? What touching?"

"Wh-seriously? Alright Derek, we'll go slow. From an outsiders perspective. When anyone touches him he stiffens up. Except you. And if he does stiffen, it's in a good way." She giggled. "When any of us ladies hug him, he gets uncomfortable. When you do, however, he practically melts into it. I could sit here and list particulars for you but every time you squeeze his neck, shoulder, playfully ruffle his hair, call him Pretty Boy, get all protective, he gets doe-eyed and goofy-grinned. And I've seen the way he looks at you. Whether it's during a case, or when you're on the dance floor moving those gorgeous hips. More so the latter."

"I think you have a very dirty, fevered, over-active imagination Baby Girl."

"Oh? So when he was so busy watching you gyrate last weekend that he spilled his drink all over himself, that was just my imagination huh? Honey, he feels the same! Just kiss him, screw like bunnies and declare your undying love for him! Get it over with because the sexual tension is killing everyone!"

Derek considered the information for a moment and decided they have undoubtedly misinterpreted everything. They must have. There was no way they knew Reid better than he did. If the kid were interested, he would have picked up on it by now. Lord knows he's tried. He'd accepted his attraction to Reid despite his experience with Buford and the fact that he'd never been attracted to another man until Spencer, long ago, but that didn't mean he was ready to declare it to the world. Or even the object of his affection. He couldn't deny the countless nights he'd spent dreaming of him and what he desired to do, but admitting it, DOING it, was a whole other can of worms. Not that he wouldn't strike at the opportunity, so fast his head spun in fact. But between his apprehension and Reid's unknown position in the matter, he didn't see it happening. Ever. No, they had to be wrong. After all, who could ever fully grasp what was going on in that big 'ol brain? Nope, Reid was just comfortable with him. He trusted him and Derek wasn't about to betray that.

"Penelope, I love you, I do, but this is my business. I want you to butt out. I want you to back off. It's not going to happen. I just want to move on and get over this. I'm removing everything from my phone and I never want to hear a word of this again. Understood?"

"But…"

"Nothing. It's done. I'm not telling him and I don't want you saying a word either. Got it?"

Garcia squirmed for a moment and twisted her features into a mask of frustration but agreed.

"Fine. I won't say anything about you lusting over our genius."

As Derek rose and kissed her forehead to show all was forgiven, she smiled at him. _'I won't SAY anything Derek Morgan. But damned if I don't SHOW him.' _She thought, smiling to herself as he walked out of the room with his usual, confident stride, posture marked by a hint of resolve.

"I'll see you two together if the last damn thing I do." Penelope vowed with an evil grin on her perfectly sculpted, red lips.

**Okay, now that Derek's rather boring, re-hashed POV is out of the way, for clarification sake, chapter three, epilogue and all, will be out in the next couple of days. I can promise this because it's already done, and rather hard-core thanks to Budweiser. So, rating is going from 'K' straight to 'M'. *SIGH* One day my mind will crawl up from the proverbial gutter and visit the world of non-smut. As surely as Charlie Sheen is the picture of perfect mental health…Yeah, so, who's ready for smutty fun with a side of laughs? I am so shamelessly cruel to Derek in my stories. Poor guy can't catch a break. Hold on DM…it's not over yet! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hold on to your skivvies kiddies, we're about to do a 180! If you like this chapter, thank Budweiser. I wonder how much beer they would sell if they did a 30 second spot with these two making out on a crate of their product…perhaps getting creative with a bottle…**

**OKAY! On with the show!**

Derek was pacing. He wasn't sure what the hell for other than the fact his entire life was on the line. He had to trust Garcia. He had to believe that she wouldn't say anything. What the fuck would he do if Reid found out what was going on inside of him? Damn the fucking ringtone and the day she found out. He didn't even invite her over. How was he to know that she would just show up while he was getting ready to go out? How was he to anticipate that while he was in his room, looking for his keys and belt, that Spencer would call and she would see the phone on the counter with his name on the screen playing that god-forsaken-song? He'd tried his best to detour her from the truth, but she knew him too well and fouled any attempt to hide it. So, why hadn't he changed it then? STUPID!

Derek decided to shower. He needed to wash away the feelings that were rushing over him…THROUGH him, in his undeniable frustration from the whole thing. A short while later, he came out in his black boxer briefs and his favorite, white, wool robe to get a beer. Opening it, he took a long swig that emptied half of the bottle. It wasn't enough. He finished off the bottle and went for something stronger. Three drinks in, he was sitting on the couch watching the discovery channel of all things. It was a documentary about 2012. He half wished the end were closer than that. Right then would have been ideal. He couldn't sit and wait for the inevitable fall out of questions and relentless teasing that would surely follow the scene at the office. At least he had the weekend. After twenty minutes of listening about solar flares and planet X, he jumped at the slight knock he heard reverberating from his door. He ignored it, thinking it was his imagination. He was deep in thought about another matter and it didn't seem likely that anyone was really knocking this late…until it came again. Louder. Derek got up reluctantly to investigate.

He pulled the door open half expecting no one to really be there. But of course there was. Tousled hair and all. Despite his undeniable attraction to the man before him, he often found himself annoyed. Derek knew he looked good, but he worked hard at it. And here, this kid could just roll out of bed and throw on shit the Salvation Army would reject and he always looked incredible. It didn't seem fair.

"Reid? What're you doing here?"

"I-I was about to leave. Do you have a minute?"

"Uh, yeah. Come on in." He answered, realizing suddenly that he was in nothing more than a giant towel and boxer briefs. But that matter was pushed aside when the worry that his brilliant crush would ask about earlier.

"Sorry. I know it's late but I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning and…"

His voice trailed off as he eyed Derek and his current state.

"I'm sorry. You obviously have company." He said, turning to leave.

"No! I'm just watching tv." Derek said too quickly, voice tight. "Come in."

He nearly face palmed as he hesitantly led Spencer to the living area. _*What the hell was I thinking? He gave me the perfect out and I just let him in!*_

"Um, do you want a drink?"

_*Shit. That was stupid. Reid doesn't drink.*_

"Sure."

"Oh. Uh, I have beer or rum. Unless you want water or…"

"Rum is good."

Derek hid his surprise and retrieved a second glass, hands slightly shaking as he poured.

"Here ya go."

"Thanks." He said, and chugged the whole thing with a wince.

"Want another?" Derek offered, half chuckling as he produced the bottle.

"Yeah. One more please."

He chugged the replenished glass full and wiped his mouth with a sleeve.

"So…what brings the resident genius here so late? Just looking for free booze? Cuz, if you drink anymore I'm going to have to insist you to stay over tonight."

_*WHAT THE FUCK? Did I really just SAY that?*_

Spencer just looked at him wide-eyed.

"Do you need to talk?" Derek asked, trying to play it cool while visions of Spencer "sleeping over" danced through his fuzzy mind.

"No. I mean, yes, I just…"

His voice trailed as he walked further into the living room looking around.

"What is it Reid?"

"Was that for me?" He questioned, as he turned to meet the older agents gaze with an uncharacteristic intensity.

"What? Was what for you? I don't understand." Derek said, but he did. He knew exactly what he was asking thanks to the ever-loving loop hole queen that was Penelope Garcia. If she was lucky he would shrivel up and disappear before he could get his hands on her Monday.

"The ringtone Morgan. Was it mine?" He asked, eyes narrowed .

"Spencer…Reid…I didn't…"

Spencer surprised him when he suddenly approached Derek, backing him against his giant recliner, pushing him down. Derek looked up at him in question, half wanting to run and lock himself in the bathroom. When did he become a thirteen year old girl?

"I've been thinking about it…about how you touch me. All of the time."

Slender hands were pressed against the large chest holding him in place.

"Reid, man, I can explain…"

"Derek, do you like me?"

He didn't know what to say. He was shocked. Here Spencer Reid was, demanding and _dominant_ as he peered down at Derek who just sat there looking up at the younger man, panic coursing through him. He felt like he was trapped in some rendition of Freaky Friday…

"I…" He trailed, losing his train of thought watching as that pink tongue shot out, licking the very set of lips he'd fantasized about a thousand times.

Spencer seemed to notice and… smirked.? He fucking smirked as he removed his tie….unbuttoned his shirt_.* For God's sake!*_

"Do you want me?" He asked, discarding said shirt completely.

_*OH. MY…*_

"Reid, I just…I want…"

With a flick of his wrist, Spencer dropped his pants and stepped out of them_. *OH WOW!*_ Who would have known that the guy went commando? *_My God, is Spencer fucking Reid really standing here in front of me naked asking me if I want him? This can't be real…*_

_*Hell yes I want you*_He wanted to answer, but instead, sat dumfounded, eyes roving over the body he'd dreamed about for, well, forever…and those dreams had NOT done the man justice.

He knelt before Derek, his cock rock hard as he closed the distance. Their lips met in a searing kiss. It wasn't shy, or hesitant. It was amazing. Those lips, that passion, that goddamn body! What the fuck was happening? Derek wanted to thrust up as he sat there kissing those insistent, irresistible lips. Even as he kissed back, even as he allowed that delectable tongue to push into his mouth, Derek felt the tongues owner tug open his robe and automatically raised his hips as determined hands pulled at his underwear. Spencer was sliding them down his thighs_. *Jesus Christ!*_ It was so good and he hadn't even really been touched yet. In answer to that thought, a cool hand wrapped expertly around his erection.

"Do you," He stroked hard, "WANT me?"

"Yes! Fuck, I want you!" Derek groaned, as if his obvious arousal weren't answer enough.

Spencer smiled and lowered his head between them. He grabbed the dark cock and sucked it in. His hot, wet mouth went to work, doing things the recipient could never imagine. Derek held on tight to the arm rests as he was deep throated, watching as his entire cock disappeared into that very talented mouth_. *FUCK!*_ The sight of it made his balls ache for release. _*Where the hell did he learn that thing he was doing with his tongue? Fuck me!*_

When Spencer sensed the oncoming orgasm, he pulled back. Derek nearly lost it from the sight of his engorged member slowly slipping out from between those, swollen, sensual lips. Hazel eyes, peering up at him with an almost demure quality. _*Sonofabitch!*_ Then, Spencer straddled him.

"You been tested?"

"Uh, y-yeah. Six months ago…a month after the last time I…I'm clean."

Spencer smiled wickedly as he positioned Derek's cock against his opening and carefully impaled himself on it. _*OH MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY HOW COULD ANYTHING FEEL SO…*_

"MMMM! Oh fuck…God, Spence…" He gasped, before Spencer claimed his mouth once more.

Derek grasped the curve of hip before him as the young doctor began to_ move_. His grip tightened into a bruising hold as the strangling heat of Spencer's body stroked him into nothing more than a dizzy, moaning, mass of flesh and nerve endings. The kiss broke and Derek couldn't get enough air as his partner leaned back, placing his hands behind himself on Derek's knees for support before rocking his hips at a most favorable angle.

"Mnnnah! Yes!" Spencer cried, as the large phallus invading his body stroked his prostate.

He thrusted forward repeatedly while he rode the man beneath him. It was phenomenal. The hot, white heat and tight, constricting walls were making it so hard for Derek not to lose control, but nothing made that task more difficult than the view. Watching Spencer's abs work beneath taut flesh, his head thrown back, full, parted lips, perfect jawline, long, delicate neck, heaving chest and those unbelievable sounds he made, made Derek want to throw him down and fuck him into oblivion. It was all too beautiful. Searching for something else to focus on, he found himself watching his slick dick sliding in and out of that perfect ass_… *JESUS!*_ He closed his eyes but opened them right away not wanting to miss this.

Spencer brought his head forward and Derek suddenly wished he hadn't because now Spencer was looking at him through messy tendrils with an animalistic glint in his eyes that would put any deviant to shame. Biting that lower lip like he does, a slow, hungry smile spread as he brought one slender hand around grasping the back of Derek's neck, rocking harder and faster with such force, his own cock bounced off his belly with a slap.

"AHH!" _*Who was that? Who cares? Fucking shit!*_

Not knowing how he was going to hold on any longer, he suddenly felt the grip on his neck tighten, watching in pure awe as Spencer Reid screamed, back bowing, hot cum shooting out between their sweaty bodies, coating both stomachs with every spurt. That was it. Derek was done. If he tried to hold back at this point, BOTH of his heads would explode. With a bellowing howl he released, pulling the slender hips in his hands down, burying himself deep inside as he emptied his seed within the scorching channel.

Derek's entire body was buzzing. He was surprised that he was still conscious, let alone capable of thought, no matter how incoherent. He now had a new understanding of the term mind-blowing. Before he could fully catch his breath, Spencer's lips were on his again. The kiss that should have been a gentle, post-coital wind down, was anything but. It was hungry and brutal. When the younger man pulled away a bit, he caught the dark gaze with his own.

"That was fucking amazing Pretty Boy." Derek panted.

"Best damn warm up I've ever had." Spencer grinned.

He got up, allowing the softening cock to slip from him.

"W-warm up?" Derek asked.

Spencer grabbed his arm and pulled him up, dragging him toward the bedroom.

"Yeah, now we can get to the really good stuff." He shot over his shoulder excitedly. "The next few rounds are going to be intense, I'm glad you work out. Where are your hand cuffs by the way? And would you happen to own any clothes pins?"

Warm up? Next few rounds? Clothes pins? Derek's mouth fell open and he suddenly feared for his life. This kid was going to kill him! Fuck it. What a way to go!

EPILOGUE:

Monday at work, Penelope came out of her office, distracted by her excitement about the plan she had devised over the weekend to get her boys together. As she made her way across the nearly empty bull pen, she noticed Derek and did a double take. He looked like shit. He was unshaven, his clothes were rumpled and his eyes glazed over.

"Derek?"

No answer.

"Honey, are you alright? Did something happen?" She asked, pulling him into the break room.

"Spencer…" Derek mumbled, eyes unfocused.

"Oh my God! Something happened to Spencer? Should I get…" She stopped as she registered the barely there shake of his head. "What is it? Is he okay?"

"He…animal."

"He was attacked by an animal?"

"No…me…I was…he is…"

"Love, you aren't making any sense…"

Suddenly Derek's haunted eyes met Garcia's.

"He…Friday night…came over…he…he…"

"Oh no! You didn't fight did you?"

"N-no…he…he…there was no stopping him…nothing left…"

"Derek Morgan, you're scaring me. What are you talking about honey?"

At that point Derek seemed to snap out of his daze, eyes growing huge.

"He devoured me! Like a box of doughnuts at a Jenny Craig convention! Rode me like a crazed outlaw after a bank heist! I haven't eaten! Haven't slept! All weekend he held me captive and… did things Pen. Dirty things. My God, he made me squeal Penelope! Do you know what that does to a man? He nearly killed me! All that came out of my gun by Sunday night was a little white flag with the word BANG on it! I swear I've lost ten pounds! He's a mad man! A sex fiend! He's…he's…"

"Here." Penelope giggled, bright-eyed, looking out into the bull pen.

Derek shot up and ran to the door to shut and lock it.

"Hide me! I can't! I need…I need…"

"To breathe." Garcia finished, grasping his shoulders. "Sugar plum, you can't hide from him. Besides, I doubt he'll jump you at work. Was it really that bad?"

"Yes! Don't get me wrong, the sex was fucking awesome, but, I need a break! I'm nearly ten years his senior! I don't have the reserves he does! I thought four times and a busted headboard the first night was enough to render us both unconscious for the weekend, then he woke me up after a few hours and by nightfall on Saturday, we'd well broke double digits! By last night…well, I lost count. Dehydration and starvation do things to you. Now I know why he's so skinny…"

"Wow. So Spencer Reid is a down and dirty sex machine! I knew it! It's always the quiet ones! Oh! This is so fantastic! Please tell me you got something on tape! Even my vivid imagination couldn't compare with the real deal!"

"I'm dying here Pen! And no, nothing documented. But I believe that was included in the plans for next…oh God…I'm going to die…you're looking at a dead man! I don't know if I can do another weekend like that! I can't believe it hasn't fallen off…"

"Calm down sweet cheeks. Just tell him to take it easy. He'll understand."

"But, I finally have him. I don't want to lose him. I always thought he would be inexperienced for some reason. Like we would fumble through it together. I didn't realize he could quit the Bureau and open up his own dungeon!"

"Oooh! He's into the rough stuff? Kinky!"

"He's into everything! If it hadn't been for the food portion of our sex-a-thon I wouldn't have eaten at all! And I don't think sex food is enough to sustain me!"

There's a knock at the door.

"It's him! Oh God! I'm toast! I love you Pen. Tell them I was a good man." Derek sobbed.

"Chill out drama queen. He won't pounce here. He's in work persona." Garcia laughed, opening the door.

"Hey." Spencer said with his signature, lopsided smile and little wave.

"Hello my little white chocolate stud muffin." She replied, pinching his cheek.

"Am I interrupting? The door was locked. I can come back…"

"Nonsense. I just needed to talk to Derek about Kevin's surprise party. He's agreed to bring something for the buffet." She snickered. "Are you still bringing the Champaign?"

"Yup. I found a great sale. Will six bottles do?" Spencer asked, pouring his coffee.

"More than enough!" Garcia assured him.

"Ooh! Fruit! I'm famished!" Spencer declared, having just discovered the bowl.

Penelope and Derek watched as the braniac plucked up a banana, Derek wincing as he peeled the skin back.

"So, what should I get him? Is a gift certificate too impersonal?" Spencer questioned, banana hovering near his lips.

"No. I think he'd prefer that actually. I'll send out a list of his favorite stores."

Spencer nodded and shoved the banana in his mouth while he finished preparing his drink. Derek shifted uncomfortably. Garcia barely stifled a laugh.

"So…did you have a good weekend Spence?" Garcia asked innocently.

Spencer turned around and slowly pulled the banana out of his mouth, licking his lips, thinking. Clearly not ready to answer, he opened his mouth for a bite but didn't get a chance as it fell from his hand and hit the floor. He was halfway to the storage closet before he realized that Derek was pulling him quickly and quite forcibly.

As they disappeared into the tiny room and the door slammed behind them, Penelope sighed to herself suddenly glad that, despite her wasted time making plans to hook her boys up, the fruit bowl portion of the plan had been quite successful. Drawing any attention to boy genius's mouth was good. It even cured Derek of his little problem, if the muffled grunts coming from the closet were any indication.

Time for a new plan. Cameras in every storage room and a new fruit bowl.

**Man, with as much as I have them get it on in the office, I'm sure the maintenance crew has a mop bucket stowed away on their floor at all times. I just love aggressive, sex fiend Reid. So, I made a deal with Garcia. She's going to send me the live feed and I'll stream it to a special site to which you will all be receiving the URL. All I have to do is hijack some produce trucks. :D**

**Well, as always, thank you for your time. :) **


End file.
